Suicide is a very personal thing and it is pretty finite but you have to get it right.

Early on the morning of the 19th September 2001 I was tired and pretty much had had enough of life.

I had a Mandurah Sounds PA Hire job on at Kwinana and the bastard who was supposed to help me with it had phoned the night before to let me know that he wasn't going to turn up so here I was again left in the lurch.

I got up at 5am and decided that I had just plain had enough so I went down to the recording studio with the thought of hanging myself but I didn't have enough guts to do that so I decided to gas myself.

I took a hose from the vacuum cleaner and a bit of gaffa tape and calmly went and stuck the hose on the exhaust of one of the cars in the open garage - a late model Ford station wagon -  and shoved the other end into the car. The passenger side door on My 1974 Ford Coupe was missing so I couldn't use that.

I then went inside and got a cup of coffee and took it back to the car. Got in and turned the music on, took a handful of Valium and then turned the engine on.

I felt great and everything was kind of surreal but I wasn't dying - just getting really hot and sweaty. I can remember trying to suck the fumes in so I could get it all over and done.

I also got out of the car at one time to check if the pipe was still attached to the exhaust pipe.

Some hours later someone turned up and rang for an ambulance and they rushed me into Hospital where they stuck me in a diving decompression thing. Fortunately I didn't have any long term problems as one of the concerns I have about suicide is some idiot saving me in the middle of my brain bursting, and leaving me with real problems.

I spent the next 21 days at the Fremantle Psychiatric Hospital. It was one of the most relaxed periods of my life as there they took all your cares away with little pills.

We had great food and I did a little bit of painting, attended meditation sessions, met some great people all with problems, and I became friends with a wonderful person who had just had a baby and was going through a postnatal depression period. We would take little trips into the 'real world' first in a group and then together and do a little shopping and just hang out. Life was good. She left before me and I hope everything has gone well for her.

Ding Bob whom I have known for over 40 years also turned up and helped keep my mind off bad things by taking me for my first trike ride.

They eventually discharged me and I went back to an empty house in Mandurah where I immediately fell apart again. My sister Carolyn talked them into admitting me to the Quadriplegic Centre. I am still here.

Am I happy at the moment? To be perfectly honest the answer is no as I don't have any real direction in my life and no real reason to live it but I am going about it an hour at a time.

I have heard it said that my attempt at suicide failed because I was only crying out for help. This is not true as although the attempt wasn't planned I had every intention of ending my life as I was tired and had had enough.

The reason I didn't die in the car was because - as I found out later - after 1996 they have catalytic converters on the things and there isn't enough carbon dioxide to snuff you out. I just hadn't given that a thought. They reckon I would have lasted 15 minutes in my XB coupe.

The only regret I have about the suicide episode is that I failed as I haven't had too many good days since.

Will I try again?

Definitely yes as I have no intention of becoming more dependent that I am. It was really easy once I had decided I couldn't go on. I don't know if it will be harder next time around as I was certainly depressed and unwell the first time. Then again I am uncomfortable at the moment and depressed most of the time anyway.

When?

That's the big question but it will be easy when it is time.

next >> Quadriplegic centre

I have certainly been drunk more than a few times in my life but not on an every day basis.

Beer was the drug of choice and I was drinking up to a dozen cans, and sometimes more, a day, except for weekends when most of our Mobile DJ and Public Address hire work was on.

There were times I would have a half a dozen cans before going out on a job myself but there were very few occasions that it effected what I was doing. Then again how would I know!

I tried AA and would give up drinking for a bit but that wouldn't last for long and then I would go back to AA for a bit and then start drinking again.

When drinking I liked to turn the sprinklers on and just sit and watch the water on the lawn or trees and I also like to cook.

I would cook on the Webber, the main BBQ, the small BBQ and in the Kitchen, all at the same time.

Another tell tale sign that I was on the booze would be the trail of half empty cans. I would drink a bit out of one and if the fridge or carton was closer I would get another can out. A good thing about this was that I could go and finish off all the half empty cans of now hot beer when I ran out of fresh cold ones.

Then I tried to kill myself because I was just plain tired of everything. See story on the side.

Because I still wasn't able to face the real World when I got out of the Fremantle Psychiatric Hospital we had to sell the business (Alana took care of all that as I wasn't capable) which would have continued to make money if I had been able to continue working it.

We also had to sell the 5 acre block earlier than we had originally planned and it sold for around a half a million dollars more about 6 months later.

This little episode also cost us around $100,000 in my making stupid decisions and would eventually cost me my marriage as Alana had pretty much had it with me toward the end.

Expensive drinks!

I asked Alana later what was the worst thing about my drinking and she said "Not having your company after 4pm and sometimes earlier..."

She didn't have to add that I also dribbled shit and repeated everything when I was drunk.